It is that exciting time of year again for the Bachelorette reality show. I know! I am excited too! There is nothing more entertaining than watching someone who completely chucks any morals they might have had out the window in hopes to win the heart of someone they know nothing about.
I always look forward to seeing who is going to be the crazy person in the house. Last year it was contestant “Michelle” on the Bachelor who was the emotionally unstable one. I must admit though, as crazy as she was, I actually kind of liked her. She said exactly what was on her mind and I loved that!
It sounds mean, but I am actually kind of glad it did not work out with Brad and Emily. I kind of felt she was too good for him. In other words, I felt Brad was kind of a douche.
On Monday when I turned the Bachelorette on, I was crossing my fingers that I would be in for a treat. I knew my wish had come true when I saw not one but THREE douche bags this season!
1. 1. Drunk guy who passes out
2. 2. Mystery man in the mask
3. 3. Bentley from Utah
It showed in previews that Bentley sticks around even though Ashley was warned. My favorite thing he said so far is “I am not even that attracted to her.” What a dumb woman she is for letting him stick around. I don’t feel bad one bit because this means I get a whole season of heart wrenching drama filled with “WHY ME” tears. So even though I wish a horrifying STD on Bentley, I was thinking maybe something along the lines of Gona-herpa-syphil-aids (four nasty STD’s rolled into one) I secretly hopes he makes it to the end because my life is hard right now and I could use some fantastic drama. I don’t care if it is at another person’s expense. Just give it to me!
I am also curious to know if they do STD screenings before they let everyone have at it because let’s be honest, I am sure there is some freaky things going on and I am not just talking about the nights they have a romantic getaway in their oh so lovely “fantasy suite”.
Oh and before I go I have one more treat for you. I found a picture of Bentley online. All I had to do was go to Google and type in “Erectile dysfunction” and his picture came up! Crazy huh? Who would have known?
Today I would like to post some pictures that I am confused about.
Okay so 1st we will start out with Tori Spelling. Can someone please tell me what went wrong? Did she piss off the plastic surgeon? Is this what happens when your plastic surgeon hates you? She should be highly embarrassed to have boobs that look like that!
# 2 there is so many things I would like to say but I just don’t know where to start. I wonder if she felt that adding the two dollars a yard red lace would help her feel prettier. I am sure they love each other very much and I would not be surprised if their wedding registry was done at Wal-Mart.
# 3 Is this a toy condom for a dog?
# 4 It says ”create a gigantic friend! Stuff hug and play!” Stuff it with what I wonder? I know a few people who would love this thing!
# 5 Can this lady honestly not feel her gut hanging out of her own dress?
# 6 can someone please tell me how they wipe their butt?
# 7 Well, they need to start learning young that things don’t come cheap. You need to work for it!
Today might be a very touchy subject for a lot of people. So if you are easily offended, it might be best for you to just not read today’s post.
Today I would like to talk about people who do not believe in birth control. Yep I am going there. You see, I live in a state where people pop out kids left and right. Not only that, they continue to pop them out one right after another because they feel they are supposed to "multiply" and replenish the earth and I guess in their mind that means have as many as you possibly can even if it is killing you. Is it that I am jealous because I cannot have kids of my own? Um… maybe, but that is not the point right now! Even if I could just pop them out left and right, I wouldn’t. Honestly, even if I only had one or two children, that would be fine. Because you see, I do not have this strong urge to be a gumball machine!
Now do not get me wrong, I know a lot of people who have a ton of kids. The majority of them are great people. In fact, I know one family in particular just around the corner of me that I am very fond of, and they have 12. This blog does not apply to them, because I love their family. In fact I am jealous that my family is not as great as theirs. Anyway…I am talking about those who pop out kids left and right. The ones who are not awesome but crazy as all get out!
I feel that birth control is just fine. In fact, I think a lot more people should be on it. Come to think of it, I wish my ex mother in law was on it years ago because then I would have never met my ex and the thought of that is actually kinda fantastic! Because honestly, anyone who has met him knows the best part of him ran down his mom’s leg.
For someone to say, “Well, if God did not want me to have more kids, than I would not keep getting pregnant” I get that God is great, but he also expects us to use our own judgment! That would be like me walking out in the middle of the street while saying, “If God did not want me to get hit, I wouldn’t.” Do you see how ignorant that would be for me to say that? In fact if I were to do that, I would expect a car to come hit me right in my @ss and knock me on my face!
I have known ladies who keeping popping them out. I even knew a family who had 17. I feel bad for their children. Because they are the ones who suffer all because the parents wanted to “multiply and replenish the earth.” Which by the way is doing so even if you only have one or two.
If you have to live on top ramen and cans of tuna fish, then you should probably get on birth control. If your kids no longer fit in a normal sized van, then you might want to get on birth control. If you have to pack 5 kids into each room, than you might want to consider birth control. If the last 4 pregnancies almost killed you and your snatch is saying “Oh please gosh not another one!” you might want to buy birth control. If you look like a hot mess and people think you are 15 years older than you really are, you might want to get on birth control.
The majority of the time, it is those who eat crazy sauce that keep popping out kids left and right. Just because you can keep having kids, doesn’t mean you should.
About a year and a half ago I was walking at the park and I saw a lady I recognized who has a very large family. She has 15 kids now. She was pregnant at the time and so I asked her if she was having a boy or a girl. Her response was’ Hmm I dunno, just a baby.” What is it? You get to number 10 and think “Screw it! This is just another pregnancy and so who really cares because next year I will be in the same spot I am now”?
I get that birth control is not fun. Trust me I get it! In fact I think the worst one I have ever tried was the patch. That thing was awful! For those of you who say “I think the patch works wonderful”, you are LIARS! Plus, never have a met a person who says” man, I had sex last night and that condom is what did it for me because it was sensational!” I get that most birth control sucks. That is why they have the option of either getting your tubes tied or a vasectomy.
My point is, I wish people would stop being crazy and stop having so many kids!
I have been busy and have not had the time to sit and write a fantastic post that I know you all look forward to read. Don’t worry my friends; I will have something very soon that will be a bit longer!
In the mean time though, I would like to leave you with a smile. I will do that by just letting you know about something that happened to my husband today that I found absolutely splendid, despite the fact that he is now going to need to undergo some therapy.
While he was at work today, my mother thought it would be a cute idea to send my stepdad a sexually explicit text message. I say good for her! A healthy love life is a great thing. The problem however is that she was not paying attention when she was sending it because she sent it to my husband instead. I know! I laughed also! It pretty much made my day.
The way I found out was because my mom called me right away pretty much horrified from what she had just done. I was all “Mom! Are you serious? That is the best! My husband is probably so traumatized!” I can’t wait to see him when he gets home so that way he can tell me all about it.
Today I would like to talk to you all about my experience of working with a polygamist. I know right? I was excited too!
I actually worked with a polygamist girl while working at a grocery store. I was 19 at the time and my hair was down to my butt. I don’t remember her name but let’s just call her Eliza. Anyway, I could tell right off the bat that something was not quite right with Eliza but I went ahead and gave her the benefit of the doubt.
One day on our lunch break I started to ask her about her family. Now at this point I had no clue she was a polygamist. She dressed like the rest of us and did not have one of those long sleeved ugly dresses that I still think would be fun to surprise my husband with in the bedroom. I am curious to what his reaction would be. She did however have the famous hair do that you see the majority of them wear. Anyway… She pulled out pictures from her wallet. The picture was of a man with a bunch of ladies standing around him. I thought that maybe they were Eliza’s sisters. So I asked her about them. She said, “Oh no. Those are my sister wives.” Immediately I had so many questions flood my head. But the one I wanted to ask the most was about her sex life! Because let’s be honest, we all want to know. She told me that they take turns. Everyone has a different night. I thought, “Wow, how kinky is that?” The best part though, is her mom was married to her husband also. They shared him. Oh it’s okay. I threw up in my mouth a little bit too so don’t worry. That is a normal reaction. That is your bodies’ way of saying, “This is just so wrong!”
Her husband / Dad came in to our business one day. He saw me with my long hair and I guess he thought I was cute. He walked up to me and said, “So you work with Eliza huh? You really should come over to our house one day so that way we can have a big bar b q and get to know each other more.” It was about as creepy as having Mr. Rogers knock at your door asking you if you would like to be his neighbor.
Now I also have to put out there that not all polygamists are as bizarre as Eliza and her family. I have actually seen some normal ones. I will be the first to admit though that I get excited when I see one in public! To me that is more fascinating than seeing a famous person.
I will also be the first to admit that I am addicted to the show Sister Wives. I find it not only very interesting, but funny. I would be lying if I told you that I never day dream of getting a phone call from Mary ( one of the wives on the show) and asking me if I would like to come over and have dinner with them and could I please make the mashed potatoes because those are Kody’s favorite.
When I think of a nice sit down restaurant that has fantastic food, Denny’s is not the first that comes to mind. I was in the car with my husband this evening and we passed it. They had their lights on but I did not see anyone inside. At first I thought, “I wonder why no one is eating in there?” But then I had to remind myself, “Oh yeah! It is because their food taste like @$$!"
Sometimes I wonder if they only stick the stupid people behind customer service desks at retail stores. Either that or I just have really bad luck!
I was returning 3 items today at a hardware store. They were priced at $5.97 each. I had my receipt in hand and was ready to get my money back. So I was confused when I only got back $6.37. I asked the lady who I will call “Nancy” what was going on. I explained to her that I was returning 3 items at $5.97 each. She said, “well it says on your receipt 3@ $5.97--------- $17.91.” I said, “Yeah that is what it says, so that means you owe me for two more items still. She says,” no, because you bought 3 items for $5.97 in total.” I tried explaining it to her again. She just stared at me with a blank stare. I tried explaining it to her AGAIN but this time very slow. Very Very slow.
I could not help but notice the fake lady bug tattoo on her wrist. You know the kind that you soak on with water and peel the back off. That really has nothing to do with this story though so anyway…
She said” Well, we only give you back the lowest price of an item. So if you bought 3 of them for $5.97 that would be a really good deal and probably our lowest price because that is really low. But I can tell the way you are looking at me that I should probably call my manager over?”The manager walks over. I Show her the receipt. She said to Nancy “oh okay she bought 3 items priced at $5.97 each. So go ahead and refund her the $17.91.” Nancy then says “Oh okay! Ha Ha! I was confused. So you want me to give her a gift card?” Manger says, “Uh no, you need to give her cash in the total of $17.91.”
Thank heavens for that manager because I really did not have the patients for Nancy anymore. I wanted to deal with her about as much as I would like to deal with a yeast infection. Especially after having to deal with an automated system over the phone with my insurance company this morning.
I call them and they did the whole, for this press 1, for that press 2 blah blah blah blah! All I wanted to do was talk to a representative live on the phone. It would not give me a number to select. It kept running me in circles while playing gay music. Finally I said ‘HOLY HELL! ******* ** *** ** * *** **** ** ** **** *** ****** *******!!!” I am not kidding! As soon as I went off and started screaming in the phone it said “ Now transferring.” It worked! It transferred me to a live person! It was awesome!
So now I know next time to just scream abusive profanities into the phone. Workes like a charm.
Today I made the brave decision to clean out my fridge. You would call me brave too if you saw what I conquered! I have been avoiding it for months now. I would lie to myself and say “oh it does not need to be cleaned out!” When in all reality I knew I had no Tupperware containers left in my cupboard mostly due to the fact that they were in my fridge with some kind of mystery dish inside.
For all of those out there who have cleaned out a fridge, you know what I am talking about. There is always that one container, in my case two or three that you just have no idea anymore what is inside. The contents have become unrecognizable. They should make a game show out of this. It would be called “guess what is in my fridge” the contestants would take turns guessing what is in the mystery container.
It never seems to disappoint that the mystery containers always end up in the back. They keep getting shoved back inch by inch month after month. Not only due to being lazy, but due to denial.
Once you have found the mystery container, that’s when you make the very important decision of “Do I chuck it or suck it up and open it?” Because you and I know by being brave and opening it up risks the chance of being traumatized by the smell while chucking the contents down the sink or in the trash.
If you think about it, it really is quite pathetic. I will battle it out in my head. First I will start off by thinking about if I can stand to part with the container. Is it worth buying more just because I am lazy and not feeling brave today? I will literally go down the lost of pros and cons. As I write this I realize how ridiculous this really is! Generally if I see mold growing up the side I will just chuck it. No container is worth saving in that case. Unless of course it is my purple container. That one is my favorite! I got it as a wedding gift.
The reason why I think the purple one is my favorite is not because the color, although purple is a fantastic color, but because it was not meant to be mine. When I opened the wedding gift and saw they were containers, I was so excited! I think it might be a girl thing. That is when I found the note. It said, “To Joe and Mary, I hope you enjoy the Tupperware. Best wishes to the both of you. I know you two will be very happy together!” Or some kind of garbage like that. Well, the problem with this is my name is not Mary and my husband is not Joe.
I don’t even care that I got a wedding gift that was meant for Mary and not me. I don’t know who Mary is, but I don’t feel bad at all that I ended up with her container.If you had a purple container as neat as this one, you would understand. It makes me wonder though if Mary would not have left it in her fridge for so long with left overs that even my dogs would not want to eat.
Now that my fridge is practically empty, I now need to go grocery shopping so that way I can buy more food to cook and waste.
Anyway, that is my story on cleaning my fridge. I would like to end this post by telling you a quote that I thought of while doing this fine duty. “Life is like cleaning out your fridge. You never know what you will find!”
Today I would like to talk about thrift stores. Isn’t it funny that we all have too much junk and yet we know it! Because when we go to move we think “ Ugh! I have too much stuff! I really need to get rid of some things.” But yet we continue to go to thrift stores and collect not only more crap but other peoples used crap at that! I don’t understand it. Oh I do this too don’t worry. You’re not the only weird one.
Some of the things I find in thrift stores are just wacky! Yet people buy the stuff! I see people all the time with a cart full of garbage. It makes me wonder if they are hoarders. The best thing I have ever found (and I now kick myself for not buying it) was a bong for smoking pot. I am dead serious! It was located in the craft sections where all the old wreaths and wicker baskets are. It was a clear glass bong with potpourri stuffed into it. I am thinking an old lady owned it at one time and thought it must be some kind of vase. It was unused. No residue or anything. The best part, it was only $1.00. I really should have bought it. What a great conversation piece that would have made! "Oh that? Yeah that is just my bong. Don't worry though, I just use it for decoration."
I have learned that when I go into thrift stores that I need to not talk to anyone, just keep to myself. Go in with a mission and get out. I say this because I have had some very interesting encounters. I made the mistake one time and asked a lady if she could give me her opinion on a couple skirts I had picked out. Oh she gave me her opinion alright along with a bunch of other BS. She gave me her opinion, and then went on to give me her whole life story. She talked about how her husband was a pervert and so they had to separate and how she is now living in a hotel but she likes to walk through the thrift store to kill time. She talked to me about her children and how they are all possessed by Satan and she can’t get the courts to see that. How she wishes she could just kill them to save them from hell. She talked about how she likes to ride her bike around town because there is so much to see and how she wished her bike had two seats that way she could charge people for transportation service.She talked about how she does not need meds because meds are for crazy people.
I felt so trapped! You may be thinking, “How come you did not just walk away?” Well that is because she was very emotionally unstable and to be honest she scared me. I did not want to offend this lady in any way. As she stood there talking I thought many times about how I could get out of it. My husband even called me while she was talking and I said “oh I have to go my husband is calling” So I turned around to talk to him while looking at clothing. Once off the phone I turn back around and she is still standing there! She says “Do you notice how I waited for you?” I thought “Holy $***! This lady is so nuts!” Finally the store started to close because they were turning the lights off to let people know that it was time to grab your junk and pay. I told her, “Hey, the store is closing we better go.” She said “Oh okay, I better get back to my doll collection.” I said” Oh okay, have fun with your dolls.” She said” Oh I will. I just have the heads of them. I only keep the heads and dispose of the bodies. I have all the heads lined up on a shelf in my room”
She followed me up to the register. I paid first. Once I paid I am not even kidding when I say I ran to my car! I would rather have some dirty old man show up at my door and attack me with a fork than to ever have to talk to that woman again!
Anyway, my whole point is that you never know what or who you will find at thrift store. It’s kind of like what Forest Gump said about a box of chocolate. You just never know what you will get.
I am so glad that I am no longer in the dating scene. I hated going on dates! It is funny I say that though because I actually dated a lot in my singles days. I have been told I should write a story about some of my dating experiences. One great thing about being married is I no longer have to deal with the drama.
Really, a first date is no different than a job interview. You show some interest and if they are interested in return you normally will get a phone call. You sit and think about what you should wear, because you want to look your best. Once you are at dinner that is where the interview begins. Your date will sit and ask you a series of questions to which you reply with your best answer, because everyone tries to be on their best behavior on a job interview. You know you landed the job if they call you after the date and want to take you out again. What really sucks is when you find out you actually never landed it at all. They just wanted to do a second interview. Often times though you find out that there have been many others who have also interviewed for the same position and so the “interviewer” just needs time to decide who they feel would be the best candidate for the position. More times than not, the job does not work out. Either you quit or they tell you that you are not quite what they were looking for. The “it’s not you it’s me” type thing.
There are many jobs (dates) I never did land. Even though I thought the interview was going fantastic, I was proven wrong. The “don’t call me I will call you” type thing. I found that I was a bit too much for a lot of guys. Some guys did not know how to handle my out spoken personality. In fact I have even had a couple guys tell me that they are looking for someone who is more soft spoken and does not really have much of an opinion. I am not even kidding. I was told that! I am proud of those guys though. Because shortly after our interview, they hired females who were dumber than a bag of rocks. They found what they were looking for so Bravo to them for not giving up!
Here is what I have noticed. Back in my singles days I attended church for single people. Every now and again you would get a really pretty petite new girl with no personality. All of the guys would of course flock to her and try to win an interview. The girl would of course giggle and act like she had no idea that guys thought this way about her. Within a matter of months or weeks (literally), that girl would be engaged. While in the mean time there were a bunch of pretty girls who remained or still are single. I am talking about the women who have great personalities that actually have an opinion and are intelligent! I am talking about the women who stand up for what they believe in and do not have air for a brain.
It still boggles my mind that the dumb pretty ones were always chosen first. I even tried giving these women the benefit of the doubt. So I tried to get to know them to see what all the hype was about. I had to stop though because trying to have an actual conversation with these girls that all the guys went gaga over was about as interesting as watching someone clip their toe nails.
So I had some x-rays taken of my neck today. The x-ray technician was very nice. We got into the conversation about how they continuously see bizarre things every day and how their job never gets boring. I asked the guy what is the most bizarre thing he has ever had to take an x-ray of. He told me that one time some guy came in with a coke bottle shoved up butt, and they needed to take an x-ray of it. We both just sat and laughed.
This story reminded me of another story.
When I lived in California, I had a friend who I will cal “Bob” that worked in the Emergency Room. Well, one late night (that is when the really entertaining patients came in according to Bob) some guy stumbled in with a bowling pin stuck in his rectum. The handle part of course. You want to know the best part of the story though? He drove himself to the ER! When asked why, he said, “Well I was too embarrassed to call anyone for help.” Honestly, I can see where he is coming from. I don’t know if I would want to call anyone either. Anyways… when asked how he managed to do such a thing he gave an explanation, but again, I think I will leave that out of my blog as well. Just know that every time I step in a bowling alley I am reminded of this.
They of course had to put him in a hospital bed lying, well, not on his back because that would be a bit of a problem. But really how much more of a problem would it have been seeing he had the guts to drive himself there?
They did however get the bowling pin out after having to do a bit of surgery. Once out and in recovery, they asked the guy why and his explanation was short and simple. He said, “I wanted to see what it would feel like.” I think it is safe to assume that this guy probably no longer acts on his curiosity.
So after remembering this story I got to thinking. I wonder what the x-ray looked like that the x-ray technician told me about today. So I of course went on Google when I got home. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!
I have wanted to go camping for a few years now. Really it makes no sense. I hate the smell of the smoke from the fire. I hate not having my own bathroom. A bush or an outhouse is not my idea of fun. I am a germaphobe and so that does not help matters. I hate all kinds of insects. I am a real girlie girl and do not like to ruff it.
Maybe it is the feeling of getting away that I like. But then again if I were going to just get away for a couple of days I would rather just go to Vegas. Because honestly, who doesn’t like a city that lights up with an STD standing on every corner?
The last time I went actually camping left me with the feeling of wanting to rock back and forth in a corner. I was sitting at the fire with some friends while we each took turns telling funny stories. One of the married couples decided to retire for the night early. Well I guess they were not thinking when they choose to keep their lantern on while having sex. I am not even kidding. A lantern inside of a tent when it is pitch dark outside= a traumatizing silhouette to all of those who are outside trying to have a good conversation while eating marshmallows.
I have told this story to a couple of people. One person asked me “how do you know that is what they were doing? Maybe they were just trying to find their clothes in their bags? Or maybe they were just cuddling and you thought it was more?" Well, all I will say is this. Never have I been cuddled from my back side while bending over to try and find clothes. So I am pretty sure you get the visual.
So really it does not even make sense that I want to go camping. Maybe I should just throw that idea out the window because the more I think about the experiences I have had, the less appealing it seems.
One thing that has always really annoyed me is people who just take take take and never give anything in return. These are the kinds of people who will gladly accept your help, but as soon as you need something they are nowhere to be found. They are all the sudden “really busy” and do not have the time. These are the kinds of people who are known as “a-holes” in this world.
The kind of people who are so cheap that they never leave a tip when at a restaurant. The kind of people who go around acting like they are so Christian, but in reality they are far from it. The people who can see everyone else’s flaws, but they don’t take a look in the mirror. The kind of person who always has to correct you because you are “doing it wrong.”
The kind of people who only do service for someone while thinking “what am I going to get out of this?” The best thing though is that you can talk about this kind of person all you want because they are too ignorant to ever guess it is them that you are talking about. I am sure we all know someone like this. So if you are wondering “is she talking about me?” The answer is most likely no because that would make you intelligent and the person I am talking about has about as many brain cells as I have in shoes. So about 55 give or take.